The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.