You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.