I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.