Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I'm single because I was born that way.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.