It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.