You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.