By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!