My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.