Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.