If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
No good deed goes unpunished.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.