It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?