I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.