May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.