When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.