It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.