All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

No good deed goes unpunished.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.