Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Women are made to be loved not understood.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.