A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.