I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I'm single because I was born that way.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.