A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.