Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.