When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.