Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.