The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.