I drink to make other people more interesting.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity