If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.