If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.