To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?