I drink to make other people more interesting.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity