When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
No good deed goes unpunished.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.