You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion