There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.