I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.