If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.