Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.