A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.