I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.