Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!