That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.