Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.