I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.