If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.