If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I drink to make other people more interesting.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.