Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.