What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.