I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.