A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.