Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.