I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.