I'm single because I was born that way.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.