No good deed goes unpunished.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.