I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.