I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.