Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.