When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.