I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.