By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.