Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.