A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.