We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?