Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments