By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.