I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.