Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright is an American comedian, actor and writer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes and one-liners with contrived situations.Wright's 1985 comedy album was entitled I Have a Pony. It was released on Warner Bros. Records, received critical acclaim and was nominated for the Grammy Award for Best Comedy Album. The success of this album landed him a much coveted HBO special which he recorded as a live college concert performance, A Steven Wright Special.

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When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Steven Wright

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Steven Wright

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Steven Wright

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Steven Wright

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Steven Wright

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Steven Wright

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Steven Wright

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Steven Wright

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

Steven Wright

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright