Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

No good deed goes unpunished.