Men are as faithful as their options.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.