If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.