If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.