I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?