He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.