I have nothing to declare except my genius.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.