Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.