I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

No good deed goes unpunished.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.