No good deed goes unpunished.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.