The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.