You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

No good deed goes unpunished.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!