The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.