Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

No good deed goes unpunished.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.