What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.