Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I'm single because I was born that way.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!