The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.