I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.