Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I'm single because I was born that way.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!