In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.