Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.