I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.