You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

No good deed goes unpunished.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.