I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.