A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.