Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.