Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.