No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.