Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.