I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.