The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.