Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.