If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion