There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.