He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Women are made to be loved not understood.