In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.