I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.