Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.