I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.