You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.