Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!