No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.