Cynicism is humour in ill health.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.