I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Men are as faithful as their options.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.