Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.