I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.