I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.