I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.