I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Men are as faithful as their options.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.