Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.