The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.