I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I'm single because I was born that way.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.