You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.