Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I'm single because I was born that way.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.