Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.