My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.