Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member