If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.