If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps