A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I'm single because I was born that way.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?