A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.