When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.