I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.