A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Sex is an emotion in motion.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.