Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.