Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.