War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.