I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.