You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.