And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down