I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Men are as faithful as their options.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!