Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.