Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.