Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.