I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.