I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.