Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.