Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.