A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.