I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.