I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.