There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.