I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?