A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Men are as faithful as their options.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.