Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps