You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments