Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!