He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.