Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!