He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.