It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I'm single because I was born that way.

No good deed goes unpunished.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.