When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.