Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.