A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.