The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.