An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.