A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.