Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.