Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.