A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…