Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.