I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.