One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.