You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.