My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.