Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.