Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.