If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.