Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I'm single because I was born that way.