I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.