Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

No good deed goes unpunished.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!