A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.