Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.