Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.