You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.