In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.