No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.