I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!