Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.