Men are as faithful as their options.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

No good deed goes unpunished.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.