A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.