Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.