Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

No good deed goes unpunished.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.