Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.