Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Men are as faithful as their options.