I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?