You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.