If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.