I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity