It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.