Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.