Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.