What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.