He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.