I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.