Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.