Women are made to be loved not understood.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.