My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.