Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.