I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.