To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.