Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.