The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion