The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.