Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.