It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.