Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I'm single because I was born that way.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.