I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?