I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.