God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.