I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.