I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
No good deed goes unpunished.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.