The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.