If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
