Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money