Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.