If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
